I can’t tell you how many times clients ask me if they should get involved with someone… or regret having been involved with someone… or need help recovering from involvement. And mainly it’s because they don’t understand the basic principles of friendship, especially for intimate, romantic, or sexual relationships.
Sexual relationships are especially dicey, because (in my world) there is no such thing as casual sex. That is, sex automatically leads to three things (energetically):
1. Incorrect soul ties, which means you establish the other person as a work station on your LAN; they (or their demons) can then add, subtract, or mess with your data, programs, or defaults. Furthermore, anyone they have a soul tie with can walk through them into your system. These soul ties can be cleared, but in the meantime… yuck.
2. Potentially, you are processing their issues for a minimum of seven years – eek.
3. Oxytocin – the bonding hormone – blurs your mind, diminishes your detachment, and takes out your mastery of your own life and blueprint. We all want to love and be loved, we all enjoy sex/intimacy, so our minds and bodies will persuade us that such-and-such a person can provide it – sometimes despite ample evidence to the contrary.
Even the most self-aware get hooked by social and cultural patterns of attraction, intimacy, love, and the illusions of romance. So how do we decide who we want to be close to in a sane, balanced way?
Obviously, do need to be aware of our own vulnerabilities, those unresolved wounds and traumas that keep us searching for solutions in the Other. Do you have a type to which you are automatically attracted? Do you have an issue that you keep trying to resolve, basically having the same relationship over and over again, just with different people? Then do your own work before even thinking of meshing with someone else’s type and/or issues. Otherwise, your issues will combine with the other’s unresolved issues, and have baby issues. Again, yuck.
Some 25 years ago, I listened to a series of talks by Terry Gorsky addressing adult children of alcoholics on the topic of Healthy Relationships. Gorsky said several things that have stuck with me to this day:
1. Parents model relationships to their children. A parent who is an addict is showing the child the relationship between him/herself and the addictive substance. It’s always available, leads to intense highs and lows, is worth any risk, and requires no accountability whatsoever. So the kids learn that this is the pattern of being in love: that is, love = passionate highs and lows = adrenaline and cortisol. If the fear/stress isn’t present, it doesn’t feel like passion or ‘true love’.
2. A healthy relationship is 80% comfortable; an unhealthy relationship is 80% highs and lows. Again, a healthy relationship will lack that fear+stress, and that’s a good thing.
3. Sane, balanced, sober relationships go through several levels of increasing knowledge of and connection with the other on their way to being 80% comfortable (rather than 80% highs and lows):
Acquaintances – you nod and smile, wave and say Hi, or talk about the weather
Coffee mates – you have some conversation about topics of mutual interest – coffee not required!
Activity partners, where the activity is the focus rather than the companionship
Companions, where the company is more important than the activity
Close friends, where you talk about deep topics and personal concerns with ease
Intimate partners, including the romantic or sexual.
As Gorsky says, adult children of alcoholics can go through all these levels in 20 minutes at a party! That’s why he says, “If, across a crowded room, your eyes meet… turn and walk away.”
The really cool part of having this sense of the levels is that (if you’re a Geotran person or at all familiar with muscle-testing), you can use it as a checklist. When you meet someone, and something clicks (or the pheromones start doing their thing), you can ask:
What is the right or obedient level of relationship with this person? By obedient, I mean, “does this align with my divine blueprint?” That alone will (in general) keep you out of trouble!
So this is how a healthy person finds a mate: by moving through acquaintanceship to activity partners, from there to spending time with someone because you enjoy each other’s company. From that pool come those who may become close friends and confidantes, and from that small pool of people – and by now you know them quite well – it’s best to choose a romantic partner. This doesn’t mean it will always work out (obviously) but at least you’ll know about their values and dating history, you’re already comfortable with them, and you can sense if you’re compatible. It’s definitely more worthwhile than hooking up after 20 minutes at a party!